Welcome and thank you...

...for joining me as I journey to ordination to Holy Orders in the Episcopal Church USA. I will journal my hopes and fears, my joys and disappointments that I experience in the process. I'll think aloud my pastoral theology and my theology in general along with my observations about the ECUSA.

If you're looking for in-depth theological discussions or arguments, you've come to the wrong place. However, if you wish to walk with me on this journey - welcome and thank you.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Listening For God...

I am a holy mess, a holy wreck. I need help! I feel as if chaos will consume me and I will be sucked into a black hole. All of this pressure is from the ordination process. I feel unready, unqualified, unprepared for the task that lay before me. Maybe I'm just afraid of this entire process.

I need to retreat and connect with God with distractions. I don't spend nearly enough time in prayer and meditation. I don't read scripture devotionally anymore. The last time I studied was for a sermon. What is getting into me?

I want a sacred space in my home and I don't have one anymore. There is no place for silence. I never imaged my spiritual life would spiral in this way. I know there are times when we are in the wilderness. I may not be in the wilderness yet, but I'm sure on a desolate highway. I am not alone, but I sure feel alone.

My job takes so much of my energy; I no longer feel fulfilled. It's a bad place to be. Each day at the office is a day that I could be doing what I've been called to do like minister in an assisted living home, or hospice, or hospital. There is the young adult ministry I want to start. Oh, and what about the health ministry that is so desperately needed in my small parish? That's where my energies should be going. I work 40 hours a week yet I feel unproductive.

I wait for God, listening for direction. One day at a time dear LORD that's all I ask.

4 comments:

Regina said...

I find it so interesting how God in all of His infinite wisdom continually uses those who think they are not ready!! I guess that is why He is God, He knows us better than we know ourselves!
Blessings!

PS. Thanks for stopping by my spot today!

PioneerValleyWoman said...

Courage, Lynn!

It seems to me that the ordination process must be the scariest thing out, experiencing the ordination process, especially the discernment...The purpose of it is to get you to question, it seems to me! The people who will ordain you have to know that you will be a true minister!

Your job you have now need not be permanent. It is just something you are doing for now, until you can do better. Have a plan in mind!

That is when you must keep your faith and sense of purpose. Can you find another place outside of the home to pray and create that sacredness?

Best of wishes,

PVW

Kymberly said...

Thanks for stopping by my spot.

----------------------------

I sometimes feel like saying, "Um...Lord? I don't mean to get in your business, but are you sure about this?"

There is something completely absurd about God's choices, but I think Regina is absolutely right.
I don't think I'll ever feel ready, but I know I'm going forward.

Be encouraged!

Lynn said...

Thanks ladies for your encouraging words. I will stay the course and remember my purpose. I'm learning day by day to move self out the way so that God

Reflecting on Mary's response to the LORD's messenger: Here I am, the servant of the LORD, do unto me according to your word LORD.