I am a holy mess, a holy wreck. I need help! I feel as if chaos will consume me and I will be sucked into a black hole. All of this pressure is from the ordination process. I feel unready, unqualified, unprepared for the task that lay before me. Maybe I'm just afraid of this entire process.
I need to retreat and connect with God with distractions. I don't spend nearly enough time in prayer and meditation. I don't read scripture devotionally anymore. The last time I studied was for a sermon. What is getting into me?
I want a sacred space in my home and I don't have one anymore. There is no place for silence. I never imaged my spiritual life would spiral in this way. I know there are times when we are in the wilderness. I may not be in the wilderness yet, but I'm sure on a desolate highway. I am not alone, but I sure feel alone.
My job takes so much of my energy; I no longer feel fulfilled. It's a bad place to be. Each day at the office is a day that I could be doing what I've been called to do like minister in an assisted living home, or hospice, or hospital. There is the young adult ministry I want to start. Oh, and what about the health ministry that is so desperately needed in my small parish? That's where my energies should be going. I work 40 hours a week yet I feel unproductive.
I wait for God, listening for direction. One day at a time dear LORD that's all I ask.